Monday, May 13, 2013

The hardest things

Sometimes the hardest things in life are the one that are most worth it. I know the next few months with out my best friend and husband by my side are going to some of the hardest i have gotten through. When its really hard i remember that every day i get through is one day closer to having him in my arms again. I know that our love is stronger then time and distance. That's one thing the last 5 years taught me. Baby remember that we are stronger then anyone will ever know and together we can get through anything. In 5 years this time apart will be a memory that is not gone or forgotten but a constant reminder of how strong we really are.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Three Things Thursday week 15

Prom…Who did I go with? What did I wear? Details…
Lets see i only went to Junior prom. I didn't have a date so i went with a few friends,i wore a green dress that was sparkly and got glitter all over my friends car, we only stayed for a little while before heading to 7-11.

First long trip in the car that I can remember?
My grandma took us to Newport, OR. To see Keiko at the Oregon Coast aquarium. For those of you who don't know hes was the whale in Free Willy. I remember having a blast on this trip. It was only a 3 or 4 hour drive but at 7 or 8 that seemed like forever.

A Date I’d Love to Go on with Hubby?
Honestly right now getting to see him would be wonderful so we could do anything and i would be happy as a clam. A day just the 2 of us would be amazing. Since i know those will be few and far between when he is home again.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Our little Girls

I have been trying to write a blog about the girls for a few days and just keep getting stuck and cant finish it for some crazy reason. I love my daughters more then anything and am having a hard time putting my feelings in to words. So i decided to stop trying. So here are my little girls Emmalynn will be 3 November 21st and Alyssa will be 3 November 30th. That makes them 9 days apart. They might not both be mine by blood but no one can take the love i have for both of them. My girls will never question my love and i hope Alyssa will never feel like i love her sister more because tho i loved Emmalynn first i love them both the same. I am so lucky to say that i have 2 little girls. Mommy Loves you Emmalynn and Alyssa.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Three things Thursday week 14

I have missed quite a few weeks of three things Thursdays with my recent break from my blog. Now that i am back i plan to keep up with them.

Three Facebook Business Pages I Frequent
1. Beco Baby Carrier (I love carriers and my Beco is my favorite so i am always watching for new carriers and prints)
2. Boba (Did i mention I'm obsessed with baby carriers)
3. Cotton Babies Vancouver (Since i only live a few miles from this store i am always watching for sales and events)

Three Outside Activities I Love
1. Hiking at the lake
2. BBQ's with the Family.
3. Playing at the park with my little

Favorite “Summer Foods”
1. Watermelon
2. Corn on the cob (LOVE it!)
3. Homemade Potato Salad

Our Story

James and I met our first day of high school in 2004. That means i was barely 14 and he was almost 15 at the time. We became fast friends and always enjoyed hanging our together. He was outgoing and loud while i was normally shy and very timid but being around James made me more outgoing. I knew even then there was something special about him. But i wasn't the only person who thought so and my best friend Bethany and James started dating a few weeks into the year. I was happy for her but at the same time wanted him for myself.  I still spent a ton of time with him because we all hung out together. We spent most of the year goofing off and just having a good time together. James spoiled me even tho he was dating my best friend he kept me fed and caffeinated our freshmen year. He was always quick to give me attention if i wanted it. I normally achieved this but taking his hat and putting it in my hoodie pocket i quickly learned that if i did this and stood so he couldn't get in front of me he would just reach around me so i would end up being wrapped in his arms. I did that a little to often and would try my best to make it hard for him to get it out of my pocket. We always had such a good time together be it getting in water fights in the courtyard at lunch, playing in the rain and the puddles, or just sitting and talking.  I went to class completely soaked a few time because of our silly play time at lunch. We actually got our high school to change the rules to state that water fights weren't aloud at lunch. He was quickly becoming my best friend he knew when i was having a bad day with out me saying anything and would listen to me talk about it and let me cry if i needed to. No one understood our relationship and i often got yelled at by Bethany for taking to much of his attention but i didn't care and he never seemed to either. By the end out our freshmen year I talked to him about my problems more then anyone and i knew that i could say anything to him and he wouldn't judge me.

The summer passed quickly even tho i rarely got to see him. I started dating a guy i went to church with in June. In august i turned 15 and James came to my birthday party.  I couldn't tell you what i got as far as gifts but I remember my cake getting dropped on the living room floor because some one threw a pop it at my brother while he was carrying it. I also remember James jumped into the pool fully dressed. A few weeks later school stated and James turned 16. Him and Bethany were still dating and even tho it still bugged me a little i had a boyfriend. Sophomore year was harder for me i had a different lunch then my friends and only saw them before and after school and by November i was super depressed and missing more school then I was attending. So i changed schools in December it helped some because i was in an independent study program but I rarely saw any one but my boyfriend and Bethany. In January Bethany and James broke up but i wasn't single so it didn't matter. The rest of the school year passed quickly and before i knew it i was celebrating my 16th birthday but James wasn't at that one.

My life basically went on the same until the summer i turned 17 when my boyfriend and i broke up. Bethany came over to cheer me up. We hung out and watched movies and talked when she was leaving the next morning she stole my phone and put James' number in it. She told me to text and bug him but not to tell him who i was. I did as i was told for once but it didn't last long because he figured out who i was quickly. I honestly don't think it took him 24 hours to figure out who i was. He has always known me way to well. I found out talking to him that his family had moved to Indiana. We talked all the time and September 21st 2007 we started dating. I was so excited the man i had wanted for over 3 years was finally mine. The only down side is we now has to figure out how to make a long distance relationship work. We talked all the time and he started planning for him to visit in December for Christmas. He flew home on December 23rd, it felt like we hadn't been apart i was quite and shy at first but he quickly pulled me out of my shell. Early Christmas eve he asked me to marry him and i said yes.We were both so excited and couldn't wait to tell our family later that day.  First we saw his brothers and sister that live here in Vancouver. We later told part of my family and other then worrying that we were both young they all seemed excited. But Christmas day would be the hard one because we had to tell my dad. I felt sick the entire time we were with my dads family and left my hoodie on so i could cover my ring. When we finally announced it again everyone was excited and hopped we would wait a while before getting married. December came to an end way to quickly. In January we welcomed a new Nephew and a new Niece into the world on the 3rd and 5th. He got to see them both before he headed home on the 6th.

He wasn't home long before he started planning his next trip to see me. He came for spring break in march. Since he only spent a week it went way to fast and neither of us wanted him to leave. But we were both still in school and we knew he had to go back. At this point we were talking and texting more then we weren't. In May we decided we wanted to get married June 21st. We planned our wedding in about 5 weeks most of those he was in Indiana he came home about a week before our wedding in June. We knew by getting married this way we were going to have to spend some time apart after getting married but it was worth it to us. So on June 21st we said I DO! On July 5th only 2 weeks after our wedding we had to say goodbye. This was the hardest goodbye we had ever said. We spent most of the next few months talking every chance we could with us both working. We were planning for me to make the move to Indiana in November or December.  In November we started talking less and i was getting really antsy to be with my husband. January came and i was still here in Vancouver and he was still in Indiana. That's that's when everything started falling apart. On January 29th  he called and told me that we were done it was one of the hardest nights of my life. Most people would assume that that's where our story ends but for us it didn't.

The next few months were really hard and i did lots of things that I'm not proud of. I spent more time crying then not and most my time away from home. Everywhere were memories with him and it was so hard for me to handle. I got super depressed and lost my will to live. I went days with out eating more often then not days with out any sleep. I remember the months after so vividly.  I was told by almost everyone that it was better this way and that at least we didn't have kids together. Those words didn't help and pushed me to be more depressed and contemplate if me living was really worth it. The days slowly started to get easier and before i knew it i was dating again but i had lost my outgoing bubbly personality that he brought out instead i was even more shy and timid then i was in high school. I didn't talk to any of my friends and spend most my time reading and writing. Summer came and passed much the same i started to be less depressed but was never really my self.  But i was alive and living. I still thought about him more then i want to admit and wrote him many letters that went unsent. Even tho we weren't together his sister would tell me how he was and that  he was happy with Jamie. In 2010 i got pregnant with Bug and was so happy that i was going to be a mom in august i found out that Jamie was also pregnant and James was going to be a dad we were due about 2 weeks apart and both having little girl. Even tho i was happy with bugs dad at the time when i found out Jamie was pregnant i cried for hours and hours because it should have been me not her. The summer faded into fall and before i knew it Emmalynn was born on November 21st,2010.  Only 9 days later on November 30th James welcomed his daughter Alyssa to the world. In January 2011 i got to see a picture of Alyssa and she was beautiful and looked so much like her daddy. It was still hard for me knowing he was a dad. As time with children normally does the next 2 years flew by. Before i knew it i was march 2013 and i was to a point with Bugs dad that i was done so on march 30th i ended everything with her dad.

Not even half an hour after Chris and i got off the phone i got on Facebook while talking to a friend on the phone. I had a new friend request so I clicked on it and fell off the couch after saying a few choice words when i saw it was from James. I was unsure if i wanted to add him so i went to send him a message when i noticed i had one from him telling me i have a beautiful daughter. So i sent him a message basically asking why the hell he added me. I was a little angry at first to be honest because after 4 years of nothing he just popped into my life. But i started talking to him and as far as he knew i was still with Emmalynn's dad. We talked about all kinds of stuff and then i told him that i wasn't with Bugs dad any more. I was waiting for a friend to come hang out for a few hours so i gave him my number so he could get a hold of me. He asked if he could call later and i agreed. He had been my best friend for so long that i wanted to talk to him. I messaged him off and on while i was hanging out with my friend. He said he was going to call once i was alone and could talk. I was so nervous when my phone started ringing and it was the number he said he would be calling from. I felt like i was going to puke as i answered the phone. As soon as i said hello and he started talking all the feeling and everything that we had hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew then that i wanted to try again with him but was so afraid that he didn't want that. So i listened to everything he had to say. When he told me he wanted to try again I was so excited but also so scared since he had hurt me so badly before. I told him that i was scared and he kept saying that i might as well just jump in. After a few hours of talking i knew that i was willing to risk being hurt if it meant being with the one person who made me feel complete. After feeling like part of me was missing for so many years I loved the way talking to him made me feel.

That was a month ago and we talk t everyday and are planning for him to move home in a few months. This time out time apart hurts more then ever before and now i can't figure out how i went over 4 years with out hearing his voice or seeing him. About a week after started talking we video chatted for the first time. I remember feeling like i was going to puke when i answered the video call but that was replaced by butterfly's as soon as i saw his face. Our relationship might not be normal but then again its always been something no one else understand so I'm not surprised that it still is. Everything isn't perfect but we love each other and we love our little girls and in the end that's what matters. I am looking forward to building our future together. I always knew that he was the right person for me and that our marriage wasn't a mistake.

Our wedding

June 21st, 2008
One of the best days of my life.

 Here is a look at our wedding

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Life is Different

I wont lie I have sat at the computer at least 5 times in the last month to write this  post and i never finish it or i hate the way it turns out.

About 5 weeks ago Bugs dad and I split up. It comes down to us just not being happy. This break up is something that i have seen coming since before Christmas but i just finally had the nerves to make it official. We are still friends and will continue to live together and co parent our daughter for the time being. With that being said no we are not working on stuff and we will not be getting back together. Now for my shocking news.

I'm married! For most my friends and family this isn't a huge shock because I have been married almost 5 years. are you confused yet?  If so this is a little back story on June 21st 2008 i got married. The following January some stuff happened and we split up this was the best and worst choice I have ever made. I don't regret it because that would mean i regret the last 4 years of my life and I don't. But i say it my worst choice i ever made because with out him in my life I never felt like my life was complete. I care for Chris and always will but nothing i have felt for him has ever came close to my feeling for James. I am sure most of you have figured out why i am telling you this.... James and I are back together. Right now we are making the long distance thing work but that will be changing late this summer when my Husband moves home to Vancouver.

Our relationship has never been normal but has always been worth it and i know that this is the right choice for our family. I know that some people are going to think were crazy and hell maybe we are. But when it comes down to it i know I'm making the right choice for not only me but for my Daughters as well. I sit here knowing that this is the choice that is making me happy and that i finally feel like my heart is whole again and that's an amazing feeling.  I am excited to finally start my life with my amazing husband and our 2 little girls.

I feel so much better now that i have put all this on my blog. I know it may sound crazy to most people but our love is something that has never faded even with time and distance we are still as crazy about the other one as we were 5 years ago. Stay tuned because in the next week I will be posting about our wedding and daughters.

April Reading list

April Reading Goal... Read at Least 8 books. I also want to read something that's not a contemporary Romance.
Well I didn't read 8 books it was a very busy and slow reading month. I also didnt read anything that isnt a contemporary Romance. Better luck meeting my goal in may:)

Books I finished
Wanting More by Jennifer Foor
Saving Us by Jennifer Foor
A Midsummer's Nightmare by Kody Keplinger

Total Books Read this year to Date... 31 Different Books

Books left to reach my goal.. I have hit and surpassed my original goal of 30 books but i changed my goal to 100 books this year so i still 69 books short of that goal.

May Reading Goal... Read at Least 5 books. I also want to read something that's not a contemporary Romance.

Wordless Wednesday

Bug the last few weeks:)